The goto that saved me

A bowl of hot and steaming goto

It’s 2:00 AM and I almost had a fainting spell. I left the office feeling okay, but on my way home, I had this familiar feeling of non-hunger. I can’t exactly explain what was it but it was when I know my body was running low but felt no hunger pains. I said that it was a familiar feeling because that was what I used to feel when I used to take suppressants. I no longer take them because I did not like the effect on my body and I know that in the long run, it will be very detrimental.

Anyway, I did not know why I even felt that way because had I known that my stomach was about to rumble, I would be immediately getting something to eat. I then bought this steaming bowl of goto because it was the quickest fix I could find. My body is now singing Hallelujah Chorus to me. LOL

Finding this Jil Sander

Earlier this day, my nephew and I went to the market place to reserve and buy a cake for my parents’ 32nd wedding anniversary. We had to return after 20 minutes or so to let them finish the writing of the dedication, so I just decided to go around the area. Just a few meters from Goldilocks, I saw this Ukay, which I haven’t visited for a very long time.

It is the Philippines’ version of Goodwill, only that they are not non-profit organizations and operating as private businesses. Well, I can’t remember when was the last time I have thrifted and it won’t hurt to just go around a bit.

Luckily, I was able to find one interesting item (for Php 50 — just a notch above a dollar, imagine that) and I need not go much further:

Jil Sander white button up shirt with ribbed detail

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What I see in the mirror?

I got home starving a bit from a whole day’s work. When I dropped by the kitchen, this is what I saw:

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I had to fight a strong urge to eat my favorite Piattos (Sour Cream & Onion). I generally prefer chips in sour cream, garlic or plain and salted. But I know that the moment I open the pack, I would not be just tasting but emptying it down. I just got a banana and drank two glasses of water. Mind over matter as I am about to sleep and I did not want to feel guilty after. I know very well that I have a delicate relationship with food, which I last described in my previous entry.

Since I started my renewed dedication towards exercise and watching what I eat last May, I look back at the things I wrote in my agenda and see gaping holes in my weekly routine. What started as 4 times a week exercise would eventually drop down to three on some weeks. Then I will feel guilty and compensate with exercise in the middle of the night and cutting back on food on the most random time. Again, I do not have a weight goal. I just want to feel better in the clothes I wear. I’m normally a “T-shirt, jeans, sneakers”-type of person but ever since that a particular dress code in the office was imposed, I began to watch what I do as well.

When I look at the mirror, I keep on seeing the things I hated about myself. Those love handles and some belly fat I can’t even rid of, even when I was still an active athlete back in college. Then I recall that even those times when I was at my peak, I hated my body a lot and compare myself with my skinny co-members who will never gain that much weight. Of course, it was unfair and I can’t do anything about it.

Almost two months of dedication, I’m still not sure of any changes:

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My eyes would go straight to that unsightly bulge. Then when I exercise, I keep telling myself that I’m fat whenever I feel like not finishing the set or getting tired with what I should be doing. It works.

I do not want to harm myself because I know I have a lot of things to do and accomplish, especially this year. Comprehensive examinations, language proficiency exams I should have already taken, family obligations, etc. etc. etc. Sometimes when things get too complicated and I get easily frustrated and how I react to the people around me, I get hard on myself. Really, really hard. I’m naturally an ill-tempered person, even when I was little. However, I feel like I’m a notch higher in terms of irritability. I just hate excessive noise and yipyapping and people hissing at me like an angry goose. I shut them down.

Last Tuesday was a different story, though. I was so happy with our dinner and we ate in Tokyo Tokyo, which serves unlimited rice, and I stuffed myself so much. Since May, I have slowly trained my body to take enough food to keep me going. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not undereating but just following the ubiquitous ‘eat-frequently-of-less-food-than-few-big-helpings’ advice. But that particular Tuesday, I felt really sick that I had to force myself to get the food out. I don’t normally do this and for the record, I only did it twice. I don’t want to ruin my digestive tract, especially my teeth as I’ve spent several years having them corrected with braces and retainers. That money won’t go to waste. I even totally stopped taking some prescription drugs twice because I firmly believe that whatever body shape I desire can be achieved naturally. That, and Mon and my mother caught me with them, even if I tried concealing them hard. The cat was out of the bag and I eventually stopped.

I’m done rambling. I just don’t want to see those packs of Piattos again on any weekday.

Snow White and her expressionless mug

Egg, hotdogs and rice on a sizzling plate

Egg, hotdogs and rice on a sizzling plate

dairy queen sundae gateway mall cubao manila philippines

Dairy Queen sundaeI’m fine with cheat days. Saturdays and Sundays are admittedly the scariest days of the week because I know that I can’t escape eating with my SO, Mon. He’s extremely eagle-eyed of what I take in and we even had a heated argument last Saturday because of this. I was finally able to voice out my feelings about him watching over what I eat and the reasons why I have an ideal body image. We were finally able to find a middle ground, but just an extra measure, I reiterated that I did not want him mentioning anything about whatever it is that I’m doing and we should just carry on with our normal lives. Case closed. Hopefully.

But yesterday, without three days of exercise, I felt quite guilty of eating this grease fest on a sizzling plate. The caramel sundae from Dairy Queen was okay, though. However, what followed inside the cinema  was different — it was junk food galore. I opted not to drink any iced tea and brought water instead.

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