We indeed get what we give

I finally cried last Friday night because of this song. The earlier Tuesday, I was really running low and exhausted because of the stress I’ve been feeling and I almost cried. But last Friday, however, was for real. I did not exactly know why, but a large part can be attributed to frustration. I’ve been wanting to cry for weeks but I was bottling it up. It was a relief, though. I am now feeling much better.

So why this song? I loved this so much because it reminded me of the good ol’ days when I was still in high school. I was almost fourteen years old when this song came out in November 1998 and it was like an anthem for me. These lines had a nostalgic effect to me:

           But when the night is falling
           You cannot find the light, light
           If you feel your dreams are dying
           Hold tight

And then of course the wonderful chorus. Just like any teenager, I went through a rough phase of being rebellious and spiteful towards the world. I think that until today, I had carried on some of those anger. That defense mechanism you have against most of the people around you that you don’t trust, and true friends are/were the true people you can let your guard down with.

While typing this, I think I have an idea from where that frustration is coming from. I feel like I’m swimming in mediocrity. Not that I think that I’m mediocre because I can frankly say that I’m very grateful to be always in the company/group of the best people. Since I was young, from grade school until high school, I was always in the first section but not clearly the best in the class — even always teetering on getting the lowest grade in Math.

I’ve been in the best university in the Philippines but I was not the best French-speaker in the class. I was part of the best cheerleading/cheerdance group in the country (admit it, UP Pep is the best) but I was never the best dancer in the group and used to think that I did not deserve to be around that wonderful squad. I always have a nagging feeling that I must have cheated my way in each of these group and I did not deserve to be in their company one way or another. However, the persistent part of me always think that I deserved it.

It sucks to be mediocre. And now that I’m not admittedly giving my best, I already know what I might be getting. But that moment of random weakness I exhibited last Friday was a good outlet. I can now go back at being mad and abrasive. Just kidding. Seriously, I can’t always compare myself to my peers because I know that I also got the music in me. This must be just exam nerves.