I had an unsettling feeling since last night. Even before the date changed, I had been thinking a lot of the following day.
It was my late grandmother’s birthday.
Little me back in the day with Nanay
I was not sure exactly what was the cause. I had been contemplating for hours and hours before it finally dawned on me: Nanay has begun becoming a distant memory.
I had been living a very fast life for years, ever since she passed away towards the end of 2011. I had several shoulda, coulda, woulda at the time but I also did not have enough time to process it before. I have, I guess, almost moved on in a couple of months.
When I was finally able to pinpoint what the issue was, a huge wave of sadness and grief came over me. We only began watching, about 2 years late, the KDrama ‘Hometown Cha Cha Cha’ and Du-sik’s character mentioned about him beginning to forget the memory of his grandpa.
It hit me hard earlier how I was struggling to remember how her voice sounded as. It made me extremely sad and, at the same time, guilty. So I had to cry it out. How could I even let that happen?
My grandmother was not perfect, and we basically grew up with her over the years our parents worked overseas since I was a toddler. It seemed unfathomable that while I have memories of her, I somehow managed to struggle to remember the sound of her voice. It was heartbreaking.
A plate full of ‘palitaw’, a snack that reminds me so much of her.
Mon was very sympathetic with me throughout the day. I was not saying a word since I woke up, but I eventually had to open up about it. We normally light a candle on such days, but for today, we chose to make an atang (food offering).
Again, I am not really the most religious, but this really felt right and brought me back memories. We were checking online what to order from Grab and we saw one store selling palitaw.
It was a traditional Filipino merienda which holds a special memory to me. My family came from humble beginnings and I have memories in my early childhood where my grandmother had to sell palitaw around the neighborhood. At times, I accompany her on her walks, helping with the serving of the sugar with crushed sesame seeds to customers.
During those days, she would ask us to help her and press the sticky rice balls flat on the table, before pressing each side on grated coconut. Those were fun and simpler times.
Due to the pandemic, I have not visited her grave in the cemetery. Come to think of it, I have not visited her grave for a long time even when health protocols had relaxed. That may be another cause of guilt from my end. I am making a mental note to visit her grave before I go out of the country for another vacation.
For now, I am writing this down to honor Nanay and remind myself how I tried to hold on to her voice in my head. I am hoping that in my sleep or even in my waking hours, the sound of her voice comes back to me.
I have to begin taking more videos of everyone I love so I have more tangible things I can look back to.
