A bit too fast?

Before New Year, I had to kick myself off from holiday mode and start working on some of my school deliverables. Graduate school is a challenge, I mentioned this in the previous post. Granted that I am a crammer by default (good grief, I even took ginkgo biloba before during my MIS review lol), still, studying during the pandemic takes the cake.

I am again questioning why I went back to school exactly 4 years ago. Was it really an atonement for past mistakes while studying (yet I am still cramming)? Vanity of getting another graduate degree (but the course does really open up a new perspective on what I previously learned in International Studies)? Or the previous boredom I felt when I was working at my former organization (which was true as I was a bit bored out of my wits)?

Nevertheless, the pandemic is no laughing matter.

Finishing off the semester. Pandemic is not good.

Aside from school, I suddenly had a nagging feeling that things may be moving too fast. I started working as a support role for the country operations of an INGO, then by some twist of fate, ended up heading it. A year into these two roles, I found myself moving into the region-wide operations. It makes me wonder, then, if I just talked myself a bit too much into these, or do I even deserve these at all? What if eventually they realized they should have waited it out?

A couple of years ago, a side comment has been thrown my way on why I ended up with a particular role. Albeit jokingly, having to hear that they did not have too much time previously to look for other candidates left a lasting bad impression. As much as you want to brush these things off, these will stick with you. So what can I do? Perhaps perform the best way I can where I can? At the end of it all, I realized it was not worth it, so I just moved along.

Come the then-opportunity to support a country operations, I immediately said yes, as I always think that to say yes and figure things out after would work well for me. And it did. Pouring all my attention again to where I could move, and eventually moving on to the next level, I spent more than my fair share of time. These were/are countless hours where I just sleep to rest, and navigate the various timezones we are all operating against. I may be overcompensating so they would not feel they made a mistake.

What I am saying is it can get a bit overwhelming to process how fast things may be running. Not that it is not something I wished for and, most importantly worked for having to leave my corporate job in early 2015, then resigning to work on a support role that took me to Guam for a few weeks, then worked from the bottom of the ranks in another INGO (read: buying refreshments for visitors and having to scan/print documents), etc.

On the other hand, I also feel a bit apologetic of where I am at. I always have a feeling to keep my head low and try not to attract too much attention, which is a bit difficult by the virtue of my role. Also, that thought that another person can do these things better than me so I should not mess up, lest I would eventually be shown the door. Things must be done perfectly this time. I just want things to be perfect, at least close to it.

I’ll end this here as it is already 1:12 am. Hoping this brain dump could put me to sleep quicker in a bit, without having to think (I hope) on what things I should deal with tomorrow/later.

Now, can I go back writing about fashion- or bag-related stuff? I missed how uninhibited those posts were!

Still, lo and behold, a new post in three days! We’re making progress now. I hope.

bryologue

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