I finally cried last Friday night because of this song. The earlier Tuesday, I was really running low and exhausted because of the stress I’ve been feeling and I almost cried. But last Friday, however, was for real. I did not exactly know why, but a large part can be attributed to frustration. I’ve been wanting to cry for weeks but I was bottling it up. It was a relief, though. I am now feeling much better.
So why this song? I loved this so much because it reminded me of the good ol’ days when I was still in high school. I was almost fourteen years old when this song came out in November 1998 and it was like an anthem for me. These lines had a nostalgic effect to me:
But when the night is falling
You cannot find the light, light
If you feel your dreams are dying
And then of course the wonderful chorus. Just like any teenager, I went through a rough phase of being rebellious and spiteful towards the world. I think that until today, I had carried on some of those anger. That defense mechanism you have against most of the people around you that you don’t trust, and true friends are/were the true people you can let your guard down with.
While typing this, I think I have an idea from where that frustration is coming from. I feel like I’m swimming in mediocrity. Not that I think that I’m mediocre because I can frankly say that I’m very grateful to be always in the company/group of the best people. Since I was young, from grade school until high school, I was always in the first section but not clearly the best in the class — even always teetering on getting the lowest grade in Math.
I’ve been in the best university in the Philippines but I was not the best French-speaker in the class. I was part of the best cheerleading/cheerdance group in the country (admit it, UP Pep is the best) but I was never the best dancer in the group and used to think that I did not deserve to be around that wonderful squad. I always have a nagging feeling that I must have cheated my way in each of these group and I did not deserve to be in their company one way or another. However, the persistent part of me always think that I deserved it.
It sucks to be mediocre. And now that I’m not admittedly giving my best, I already know what I might be getting. But that moment of random weakness I exhibited last Friday was a good outlet. I can now go back at being mad and abrasive. Just kidding. Seriously, I can’t always compare myself to my peers because I know that I also got the music in me. This must be just exam nerves.